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TV-talk: Gossip Hurl

It’s that time of year again. The warm and fuzzy feeling of anticipation, the sadness of saying farewell. *dramatic pause* Yep, TV land is getting ready to soak up the sun and spend some quality time outside rather than hanging in front of the TV (aka the computer/interwebz, – who watches television on an actual television anyway??). The past week was all about the final episodes of either the season or the entire show (Desperate Housewives… *sob* I’ll miss you Wisteria Lane!!). The most interesting of season finales was the Gossip Girl one. Interestingly boring. Interestingly bad. Interestingly wrong in so many ways. I need to vent about HOW BAD this episode season actually was, so here we go!
 

Bart Bass has risen from the grave after playing dead the past three years. Nobody on the entire Upper East Side was shocked about this, not one single person raised so much as an eyebrow over the news (must be all that botox). Bart Bass, one of the most wealthy and powerful men in New York City, had to leave everything behind because of some random gangster with beef. WEIRD. Now BB is back – alive and kicking – but his friends, relatives and whatevers couldn’t care less. Everyone on the Upper East Side is probably too busy sitting in their penthouses drinking expensive Merlot out of crystal glasses. Priorities people! But still, Bart’s disappearance and reappearance are WEIRD. Has he been hiding out in Diana’s whore house the entire time? How come the private investigator didn’t know where BB was? Isn’t that what investigators do? Investigate? If nobody could see him, why was Bart still wearing a suit? Has the man even paid taxes in the past three years? I don’t think so. IRS; get all up in his grill!

 

Rufus H., the sad-little-moaning-guy-sitting-in-a-dark-corner-strumming-a-guitar-to-the-beat-of-his-black-heart formerly known as Rockstar aggravates me for so many reasons. Picking up Lily’s drycleaning and vicariously living through the social lives of your children is NOT a day job Rufy! It seems Rufus lost all sense of self-respect when he went and married Lily Rhodes-Van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey. May I suggest looking for said self-respect in the safe in Lily’s penthouse? Things seem to be hidden in there constantly!

Dan H., stop munching on Rufus’s rockstar-hair-growth-pills and get rid of the poodle that’s been sitting on your head for, well, WAY TOO LONG. I shriek every time his afro appears (which is often, considering it’s on the top of his head). Oh and Dan? Diana Ross called. She wants her hair back.

 

Really S.? Snorting cocaine on a train to nowhere while the most random of men sucks on your neck? That’s racy, even for you. And that’s saying a lot, considering your list of racy things include (and is not limited by): losing your virginity to your best friend’s BF at some random wedding, ‘accidentally’ killing your crack head friend in a hotel room, jetting off to some European island only to come back married to a guy who then sets you up to scam all your rich friends, dating every testosterone-filled boy who crosses your path (Erin, your brother Dan, Damian, Carter, Nate, random lifeguard, all men who drive vespas or wear Zadig & Voltaire,….).

Mommy dearest is retiring and making B. head of Waldorf Designs. Of course she is. I’m kind of exciting to see how this plotline will turn out, as I have a sinister feeling the hunt for a qualified designer will bring back good old Jenny H. We’ll see, we’ll see. I won’t talk about the hair, outfits and double chins Blair’s been sporting this season, but I hope costume designer Eric Daman will step up his game for the final season. 

Hi Lily, I heard botox menopause makes you do weird things, but planning to run away with your high school sweetheart while still being married (for the fifth time) to one of the richest and most influential men of NYC, only to run back to him when said man, after faking his own death, suddenly reappears out of thin air straight into your penthouse elevator? MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN, CLOCK’S TICKING.

Pretty little Nate, who is nothing more than a blue-eyed Daisy Duke with better hair. Something needs to be done? Nate’s unbuttoning his shirt and seducing his way to his goal. Someone’s smoking pot? Nate’s on his way. This boy is supposedly running a giant-ass newspaper company, but that’s just an excuse for the writers to put him in a suit. I don’t complain.

Chuck Bass wore silk kimono’s and bright red jumpsuits this season. But ahh, he’s Chuck Bass.

In a way this was the perfect ending to this season. Bland, unsatisfying and a hot mess. Much like the previous 23 episodes. Here’s to hoping the final 11 episodes of the last season ever will be better. We’ll see about that this fall. XO

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